"Mornin', Sunshine." We both flinched. It was so natural for him to say, the way it rolled right off his tongue as if he had never stopped.
His tongue ... I sighed, closing my eyes for a second. It had been so long. I cleared my head. Shivered. Pulled my robe closer.
I looked out the kitchen window. Still blanketed in white. Still blinding. Great. I let out an easy whistle.
"Still pretty rough out there." He paused. "Did you sleep okay?"
I nodded.
"Feeling alright this morning?"
Another nod.
"Good."
This time nothing.
"Cats got your tongue?" I noticed the fur-balls, curled up on my sofa. I laughed. Softly. Throatily. My early morning voice finding its way.
"They sleep with you last night?" I asked. His turn to nod. I watched as he scrambled eggs. My stomach churned. "Traitors," I whispered, walking over to them. One stretched, the other curled deeper into himself. "Fantastic." I heard him laugh. Turned to catch him watching me. Smiling.
He motioned to the coffee pot.
"Seriously? You still don't know how to make a cup of coffee?" I stopped. Assumed too much, with no hesitation.
"That's what Mary is for," he answered.
Mary?
A beat."Who?"
"Down at the coffee shop. You haven't met her?"
"No."
"She's great. Sweetest little thing..."
I didn't want to hear about a sweet little thing named Mary."I'm pretty good at making my own coffee these days," I said as I walked over to the pot. I counted. "Three, four, five ... "
****
"Six doughnuts, please."
"Someone's pretty hungry." I gave him a polite smile. "Got one over there for me?" This guy was pretty ballsy. Acting as if he owned the place.
"Hold on, Matty. Lovely lady was here first." I smiled again. Satisfied.
"I was talking to her, actually." He looked at me. Extended his hand. "Matt." I didn't move. "Got an extra one I can take off your hands?" I don't know what happened. What made me do it. Every inch of my body was saying no. Saying walk away. And yet.
"Sure. Get my coffee and I can spare a doughnut for you." Was that just my voice? Did I really just say that? His eyes sparkled. Twinkled, even. Damn. Not smart. Joe shared a hearty laugh from behind the counter.
"Watch out, sweetheart. This one's a toughie."
"Like your day old muffins, Joe?" Matt ducked as a dishrag flew past his head.
I sat down. What the hell am I doing? What am I DOing?
He sat down across the table. Placed my coffee in front of me. "So, do you have a name?" I smiled. I couldn't help myself. Took a deep breath.
****
Seven, eight ... how many scoops was that? Damn. I totally lost track.
"Hey," he was waving his hand in my face. "Doughnuts okay?"
"Huh?"
I really have to stop playing with these memories.
"Doughnuts," he repeated. "You up for some?"
"Sure."
He smiled, as if remembering something himself. "I also made some eggs." I shook my head. "No?"
"Not in the mood. Where'd the doughnuts come from?"
"I'm making them out of canned biscuit dough." I laughed. "I know, I know. Wonders never cease."
"No, Matty. You never cease. To amaze me. What else have you learned over these past months?" I stood against the counter, steam rising behind me. Biscuit dough sizzling on the stove.
He walked over, pushed my hair behind my ear.
"Has it been that long?" I felt my breath slowing. My arms, legs, weakening under his gentle touch.
"Yeah," I whispered.
"Three?"
"Almost."
"Where does the time go?" I shrugged.
He was so close I could smell him. Over the eggs. The doughnuts. The coffee. My stomach churned. I swallowed heavily and found myself blinking back tears.
This post is linked up to the Red Dress Club this week for their "doughnut prompt" ... it is a part of a work in progress, and if you'd like to review the previous parts of their story please feel free to click on the story label at the bottom of this post, or click here for more history. As always, constructive criticism is welcomed.
Gracious me, Girl! You are good!
ReplyDeleteDoes this connect with some of your other pieces? It seems to have a similar tone. I really love your last line about smelling him.
ReplyDeleteI loved this! I loved all the tension you built in and it made me wonder what happened to them, since they seem so good together.
ReplyDeleteYour dialogue is great, very realistic and I loved how we get to see inside her head when he's hitting on her. I did get confused when she came out of the memory and started talking about the doughnuts. I wasn't quite sure who was talking at that point, maybe some he said/she said attributes right at that transition would make it a little clearer. These two sentences particularly, "I also made some eggs." I shook my head. "No?" "Not in the mood. Where'd the doughnuts come from?", it seemed to me like they were both talking in each line.
I loved the end. I was holding my breath with anticipation. I hope you continue this, because I really want them to kiss. Pretty please? :)
I agree with Jessica, I did get confused a little bit. I had to reread to figure that part out. However, the rest was fantastic, and I really felt the tension. Sucked right in immediately. That's hard to do Momma!
ReplyDeleteI think I need to reread the other parts! But, there is such a feeling of sadness and maybe some longing in this.
ReplyDeleteThe dialogue was great. You did a nice job making it very believable. I also really liked how sensual it was. It made me feel like I was there and heightened the tension.
ReplyDeleteI also got a bit confused in the middle. But I think that's because of the word limit.
I'd love to hear more about these two.
Visiting from TRDC
I am with the others, curious to find out if there is more to read. It is intriguing.
ReplyDeleteThe unspoken words between the two of them..
The tension between them is tingly. I loved it. It made me smile when she called her cats "traitors".
ReplyDeleteWould love to hear more from them, thanks for sharing-
You definitely left me wanting more, to see what was going to happen.
ReplyDeleteI think what would've helped the dialogue in the middle is to attribute some of the quotes. I didn't know who was talking.
I loved the tension between these two!
Well, you've hooked me. Can't wait to see where this is going...
ReplyDeleteI had some issues following along after the memory. I wasn't sure who was talking when.
But seriously, this was an awesome post. Please tell me there's more...
So, you can keep writing now! I really need to know what the heck is going on?!
ReplyDeleteI loved the flashback. How he swept her away. How she fought his charm, and lost.
ReplyDeleteI feel the tension as well, and the unspoken pain. It's so hard to act "natural" when you're dying inside, and you capture that well.
Agree with the concrit regarding the transitions back for the flashback. Perhaps beef up the object(in this case, the donut) that triggered the flashback to begin with.
for example, come back to the present, by having her finish counting the coffee or something else related to counting.
I love this,Andrea. Very memorable and sexy and fun.
Thanks to everyone for the comments. I think that you've all given me some great feedback and I may actually make a few adjustments shortly.
ReplyDeleteNancy's comment hit it on the head for me, if I continue the counting or give some transition, then the discussion becomes more clear and we know who is talking when. I'm so excited for her idea I'm going to have to snag it! ;)
Also, this is the first time (it's only the third installment of these characters) I've provided a link, but I guess it was overlooked and not obvious in the prompt info, as it's here where you can find the three posts (including this one) about them:
http://goodgirlgoneredneck.blogspot.com/search/label/story
Next time I write about them I'll put it front and center so the history can be read before the current prompt's post!
Hope you all enjoy and, again, thanks so much!