Thinking it through

Sometimes so much happens in our day to day that our hearts and minds need a break.

And sometimes there is toxicity that surrounds us and it is important to cut ourselves out of that environment. It's a hard thing to do, especially when you're as committed to things as I am. When you've put your heart and soul and full and complete self into something, you - if you're me - never want to walk away.

It's rough.

It's like a friendship that has always been a bit iffy. The best friend who talked about you behind your back. The one who always made you feel crappy for your choices and the way you lived. Mostly - and you knew this at that time - because she was jealous, but also because she liked to shoot you down.

And when someone said to you, "WHY do you take this? WHY do you stay friends with her?" you reply, "Because that's *so-and-so* ... that's how she is."

She's that individual who asked, 'Why do you want to go to social work school? What's the point? You already have a good job,' instead of saying something like, that is AWESOME. You're amazing for trying to take all of that on while working full time and living the rest of your life. Way to go!

The one who, when you decided to officially apply, and take classes and move forward, said, 'Wow. You're going to quit your job, eventually? No kidding...' and trailed off, with no words of support.

Sometimes it takes an explosion of sorts to pull you apart. A grenade that the individual herself has thrown. Other times it takes incoming fire from others to have you recognize that you're not the target, not really. It's themselves. Or it's the person you've stood beside all along.

I don't need to be a part of anything that toxic.

I don't need to find myself with a pit in my stomach, second-guessing those around me or myself on a daily basis. And so I move forward. Cut ties with said friend.

I want to hold on. But do I want what I knew of her before - or what she has shown me now? I want to know what kind of person she is deep inside. I want to know what she really thinks and feels. But she's already shown me, hasn't she?

And those people throwing stones? What's up with them, you ask? /shrug. If I only knew. I just know that sometimes people get their panties in a wad, and I'm not the kind of chick who plays that game. Just ask my best guy friends. They know me well. They've listened to the crap. My story. Stories. They've stayed strong, minus the guilt, the bullshit, the intensity. They're friends. Man, sometimes guys are so much easier to hang with, aren't they?

If only it were always that simple. And so it goes. And so do I. I move on. I hang in there. I see whatever it is that works for me. I'll do me, and you do you, right? Isn't that the best saying? It's like my motto. My words of encouragement for friends. Even non-friends. You do you - cause that's all you can do, no? Sigh.

I feel better now. Sometimes hashing things out in my own sacred space is what works best for me. Funny how I almost wrote you there. You. Me. Where is the divide? I suppose it depends, right? Where do you want it to be? Because I won't create one. I'm not that kind of friend. Not that kind of girl. But hey, if you put it there? Put that wall up? I won't shove it down. Ball's in your court.

And on that note - c'est la vie. I really could use a motivational Pinterest saying right about now, but I'm too lazy to go and grab one, so I'll just put up the PYHO button, instead. Because, honestly? That's enough.

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