Trying to breathe

My house is closing in on me.

Whenever I think I'm catching up I notice that I'm totally not.

I know I should step away from the computer and clear yet another surface, but when I look at them - coming back to life with new clutter - day after day after day - I just wonder why I bother.

And then my child.

The child I love SO very much.

G-d, I love my daughter. I'm sitting here fighting tears as they approach the surface.

Because I hate how frustrated I get with her sometimes.

She's non-stop. She doesn't stop talking. Moving. Acting and reacting.

And I'm blessed. I know I am. I feel I am. I AM.

But dear G-d, sometimes I am SO freakin' tired. So ready to go to bed. And then I realize I haven't taken a single minute for myself yet today. Or yesterday. And yet, I have spent some time online. Diving in, beyond the surface, to the place where my friends live.

Am I doing it to avoid my child? Some days it feels like that. Like today, maybe. And it's wrong. I shouldn't do it. But I am normal. I'm a mom and I do.

I've spent almost every.single.day of my child's 5+ years with her. At home. Entertaining her. Engaging her. Finding ways to keep her busy, happy, motivated. Excited. Enthused. Less than bored.

And I'm tired. I'm kind of finding myself ready for her to go to school.

Is that wrong of me? Maybe.

Are there people who probably sit, shaking their heads, offering nothing more than an 'I knew that would happen,' when what they really want to say is that they told me so - but they bit their tongues well enough that they didn't ACTUALLY tell me so. Ya know? Those people? They're out there. They're not quite wrong.

I suppose in some ways I did this to myself. I am truly lucky to have had the opportunity to make the choice that enabled me to stay at home with my child. She is very well-adjusted, interacts well with others, she's had loads of playdates, groups, classes and the like. She's friendly, fun and sweet. She's mine and I adore her.

But add her clingy and neediness in with the hoarder-lite mode I'm trying to bust out of these days and I feel like I'm trapped in a bubble. One that I need out of and can't seem to break through.

But this weekend I get some time away. I'm looking forward to it - and I know that's normal. And yet I know I'll be sad to leave her - and that's normal, too.

So I'm torn.

I'm all out of faith,
This is how I feel.
I'm cold and I'm ashamed ...
lying naked on the floor. 

Deep inside I'm torn. 

Totally butchered those lyrics. With apologies to natalie imbruglia.




** Important note ... I wrote this last night. I was drained. Exhausted. Battling a child who didn't want to sleep. This morning is a new day. I came downstairs, my house isn't as horrible as it was in the dark of night, it's amazing how nighttime hits me like that and I want to go on a cleaning frenzy but am too damned tired to do so. And how the exhaustion creeps in and the day fills my body, mind and soul, and my child fights closing her eyes and the frustrations escalate and ... well ... you get the picture. But today I move forward. Finding positives and love and more. I hope you do, too.

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