Moments are memories.

The moments.

They come and go.

I catch myself smiling and don't recognize that girl.

I catch myself crying and she looks more familiar.

I look in the mirror - and I look away.

Ah, who am I kidding? I look at my cell phone. I take the pictures. I watch as the smile on my face has shifted. It just isn't there the way it used to be.

I still smile.

I still laugh.

I have a 7-year-old daughter. Laughter is required. It's a means of survival. And it's the way life goes. When she smiles, G-d, the whole room lights up.

Is that how you felt about me?

It's how I felt about you.

I miss your smile so freaking much.

I see it in my dreams sometimes. Or I want to. I see you. But you're not smiling. You're just sort of there. I can't even explain what that's like. To wake up and eventually remember that I saw you. But now you're gone.

It hurts.

I'm raw.

So many people losing loved ones around me. I don't really know what to say. Except I can now say I know. I know. I know but I don't want to.

I don't want to know what it's like to say goodbye to my father.

I don't want to want your arms around me enveloping me in a huge hug and have to know it's not going to happen.

I don't want the only smile I'll ever see to be in photographs.

I want you. YOUR smile. In my face.

Your voice in my ear.

Your heart against mine.

I want your hand in mine. Playing with my fingers. Thumb-wrestling.

Holding onto my knee.

You're supposed to be waking up my daughter with her hair. Tickling her nose like you did mine. I do it. I do the things you did. I feel you - you're there - reminding me. Showing me.

I hear you in my mind.

But it's not nearly enough.

Where has your voice gone? How can I get it back?

I miss you, Daddy.

I love you. Forever and always.

I hope that you're somewhere, out there on the water, in the great vastness of blue that makes up this world we exist in. And I hope that you're riding the waves and feeling the sun.

And I hope that you're smiling.

* I'm linking up today with Shell over at Pour Your Heart Out. I'm a day behind, but she's awesome and doesn't care about stuff like that. 

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