One year gone by. It still hurts.

Emotions are heightened as the weather cools down.

Fall has arrived in North Carolina and I'm feeling it.

My mood flicks like a switch that I have no control over has been commandeered by someone I can't see.

Coffee is good. It fuels me. Warms me.

Soups, too.

I made chicken soup from scratch.

A task - I know. But I know why.

I needed to. I wanted to. I had to feel. Be on my feet for hours.

Ladling. Skimming. Stirring.

How did he do it? All those years. On his feet.

Day after day. Night after night.

All those years.

I exhale.

At the same time I have no urge to be cooking.

Fast foods call my name.

My motivation is gone.

I'm more than overdue for a walk. A run. A bike ride.

A burst of cold weather smacking me in the face.

I'm overdue.

Music helps. Only a little.

Some days I'm fine. I don't even feel it.

Others? Not so much.

A candle burns now and then. Brightening up the kitchen.

Bringing out a scent that warms the soul. Sometimes.

Other times a candle burns.

I watch it fade.

Twenty-four hours of flickering light.

Time moves on.

It's been over a year.

My father's been gone that long.

I lit a candle.

Not birthday candles.

An I miss you candle.

Judaism permits you to remember with a flickering light.

Brings the memory of the loved ones lost right there - beside you - at every turn.

Held close within your heart.

Held tight within mine.

October has finally ended.

And yet.

My heart does not freely soar.

I thought it might - but it does not.

The pain is still there.

The ache.

The tears.

I still hurt.

And this weather isn't helping.

Not one bit.

* I'm linking up this week with Shell's Pour Your Heart Out. *

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