Another October

Let me tell you what it feels like.

To be so so ready for fall.

Let me tell you what it feels like.

To know that at the end of this month I'll turn another year older. 

What it feels like.

Knowing that before that.

Before then.

I'll face the anniversary of the worst day I've ever lived through.

Let me tell you what it feels like.

To watch my favorite month of the year go by.

To think back - two, three, four - five?

Five whole years. 

To check calendars. 

To see when prayers are to be said. 

Let me tell you what it feels like. 

- - - - 

There are days I stop and take pause. 

Days I think, will this year be the year it feels differently? 

Will this year be the year I don't remember to the moment I learned?

Will this year be - - what? What could it possibly be? 

Nothing.

It will be nothing. 

Nothing different.

Nothing changed. 

This will be, still, a year in which I remember. 

Feel the loss as an ache that will never be comforted. 

Feel the pain as sharp as a knife through the heart. 

Feel the hurt, the sadness, the tears. 

A year I will miss my father, as I do every single day. 

Wish for him to be here to see. 

The changes. 

The growth. 

The pain. 

The love.

The laughter. 

All of it. 

Each moment my daughter and I share. 

Together.

Separately. 

I wish for him to be here. 

But I know that he does see. 

And I know he's forever a part of me. 

For always. 

And so. 

I face it. 

Another October. 

And I remind myself. 

Of what I had. 

Of WHO I had.

Not just the loss of him.

Another October. 

Where I move forward.

In his honor. 

In his memory. 

And remind myself how forever blessed I've been.

Miss you, Daddy. 

Today, tomorrow, always. 

And every October. 

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