I Woke Up Sad Today

I woke up sad today.

And it would be easy to say I didn't know why.

But I do.

I woke up sad because of many things.

I woke up sad because a short bit ago we had to say goodbye to our dog Dexter.

Our dog who we loved since he joined our family in 2003.

That's a really long time.

And then I felt heartbroken and lonely and crushed and emotional and pain. So so much pain.

And then the days went by and I still found myself missing him.

Not that I expected anything different.

I remind myself each day that he is at peace now.

I remind myself how loved he was. How loved he is. And how very much he meant to us and to those in our lives who knew and loved him.

I remind myself that he was the kindest and gentlest dog. How he walked around the house during playdates I held here - never once nudging a child the wrong way - never once snapping or growling or baring teeth.

I remind myself that I was so so lucky. To have found a pup like this one.

And it was his time. It was time to go. It was time to hold him tightly more than once and remind him of how very loved he was and will always be.

I woke up sad today.

I realize I'm sad for more than one reason. I acknowledge this. Often.

My life has taken many turns over recent months.

And these turns have reminded me more than ever how very much I miss my father.

Tomorrow would have been my dad's birthday.

He would have been 70.

He was supposed to be here.

He was supposed to turn 70.

He was supposed to laugh and smile and make silly jokes and ask my daughter to pull his finger. He was supposed to be here for me to roll my eyes at and say things like, "enough with the finger!".

He was supposed to be here to hold me during some of the toughest times of my adult life.

He was supposed to be here because he wasn't supposed to go.

And maybe it makes no sense to compare losing a father to losing a dog - and I'm not doing that - not exactly. But perhaps I'm realizing that with my dog I got to say goodbye, and with my father I did not.

Because yesterday when talking to my mom and skimming through Facebook memories I realized that August 6, 2013 was the last time I saw my dad. The last time I hugged him and held him. The last time he squeezed my daughter tightly. The last time.

Of all the last times.

And so, I join the two today. Because there's something in me that makes it better to consider the two of them together. On long walks where my dad doesn't have to clean up after Dexter, and where Dex smells cigarette smoke and recognizes exactly who it's coming from.

And I miss them both, in completely different ways, but still - I miss them.

And so.

I woke up sad today.

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